Controlling the Anger

Being human means getting angry sometimes.

It also means feeling other less than desirable emotions, such as jealousy.  As a man on dialysis and waiting for a kidney transplant, I do have a lot of anger and jealousy to deal with inside of me.  I can't deny that; I try, for the most part, to keep a positive attitude and a sunny disposition about my life.  There's so many great things in it, that for me (fortunately) this is probably easier than for some.  Dialysis patients can be some of the most angry, ornery and easily upset people in the world.  In fact, we get a bad rep for this - and sometimes, it's heartily deserved.

Living this way, though, is tough - life on dialysis (and even with a transplant) is about maintenence, not a cure.  I will never be cured of this problem, and it will plague me until the day that I die.  No respite.  When you get told that at 24 years of age, you get real angry real quick.  And, man, I have my moments.  They're few - and mostly private, but I know there's a few people out there who've been with me when I've broken down.   And I feel like my whole world crumbles when it does.  I've had some awesome friends pick me right back up, though, and guide me to the things about myself that are pretty excellent.  When I got married, each and every one of my Groomsmen were one of those who helped me see the light when I was sick.  I had EIGHT groomsmen.  Heh.   I really couldn't have done it without those guys.  Or my wife.

I get jealous too.  A lot of people get jealous over what "they don't get" or "they don't have".  I'm the same way - though I pine less for material things, and I'm jealous that I don't have my health.  I get jealous when I see people I know abuse themselves in all kinds of crazy ways, go to sleep, wake up with a little headache - but carry on.  Slightly miserable, but eventually it wears off.  What.... I wouldn't..... give.... to be able to to that again.  Whoa.  I get jealous of their ability to just pick up, go and do something...... where as I must be on some kind of regiment at all time, as I have to do find several hours everyday to do dialysis - and I must really be home to do it.  Sure, I can travel with lots of planning - but I couldn't get just say, tomorrow, let's go on a trip!

I covet that freedom.  I know a transplant will help with that.  But I'm angry.  I've been on the list four years.  Four.  Years. of my young life.  My prime.  Wasted away, blowing in the wind, waiting for that miracle hand-out.  Four years of waiting, with my cell phone in pocket - hoping that I get a call that tells me "We have a kidney for you."  Four years of yearning to be the best person I can be - and always feeling like I'm falling just a few feet short.  Yes.  I am angry about that.  But I put that away after a musing, because holding on to that anger will not change anything - and if I wallow in it too long, it will become me - not just a part of me.  And I don't want to be that bitter, whiny, angry dialysis patient.  I've seen too many of them, I've read too much of their whining, and I know I don't want to live to be that person.

So, I wait.  I wait, with patience and dignity - but I'll tell you, if they don't get me a kidney soon.... I'm gonna do something stupid, like poop in the middle of the ER just to get some attention.


~Steve