The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Coma

You know, when you're on dialysis - you have an immense amount of time to just sit around and think.  It seems like I've lived my life, from childhood to adulthood, over and over again in my head all those times I sat in the chair - sat, watching the bright red blood flow out of me in thick spurts through plastic tubes - sat, watching the blood flow through a filter, and pass back into tubes and flow back into my body.  I sat, watched and thought.  You're so scared of the future you might not have, that you just have to remember your past.  It was always better to think about what I had done rather than what I did not yet do.

Now, looking to the future and the possibility it holds.... it's not as easy as some (including myself) may have thought.  You get the gift, and all of a sudden all the things you put aside just to survive come flooding back.  I've spent the past 10 years being a patient, and just fighting to stay alive... to maybe make it to someday. Actually getting to think about the future... and wondering what the hell really happened the last 10 years.... now I'm battling monsters and gazing into that abyss, and all the Nietzsche I may have read doesn't mean a damn thing.

I makes me wonder what life is like for someone who suddenly comes to after being in a coma for years. 

I feel like I've been watching life for 10 years, and now I'm suddenly living it, and holy hell, is it hard.  I'm more impressed with people that deal with existence well on a daily basis.  Lord knows I'm not.

~Steve

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