Dialysis life is rough life. Hemodialysis isn't easy... and it's definitely weird to think that I can compare doing it in my 20s to doing it in my 40s. It was definitely hard both times, but man, it was easier in my 20s. It takes a lot out of me now. And yet, I have more responsibilities now... it's difficult to juggle them sometimes. I am really lucky, because I have a great support system on this now. My parents help me a lot, and I'm grateful for it - but it also leaves me with a big sense of sadness, because I wish I was the one giving them the assistance. Or giving them gifts, at least, One part of being chronically ill that is so hard is knowing that you are a burden on the ones you love. As a parent, I understand the need and want you have for your children, and because I was lucky enough to be born into an amazing family, they give so freely of themselves. But as an adult, I don't like to be a lodestone on anyone's life... but there's just so much I can't do on my own.
I'm hoping that I can make this time in my life temporary... and maybe I will get another transplant, and this one holds and I can start a better life for myself. But that idea is way more daunting at 45 than it was at 25. After I got through the whole difficult process of getting a new kidney, having surgery, recovering and moving on... I basically have to start all over again. It's hard to look at. But I still have hope.
So, throwing this out into the digital void, thank you to all friends and family who help carry me in these times. It's not so much for my sake, but for my children. You help me provide them with as "normal" a life as I can, and that... I am forever grateful for and surely unable to truly pay back. But I will try.