Now & Then

 As my mind is wont to do when I'm spending time alone with myself, today I found my thoughts randomly wandering through memories, and for some inexplicable reason, I found myself remembering an old "video game" console from the 1980s called "Action Max".  It was from a company called World of Wonders, who had success with Teddy Ruxpin and their "Lazer Tag" game... this system was weird and unique in that the games were on VHS tapes, and you hooked a console with a light gun up to the TV, and attached a device to the corner of your TV so it could sense the light gun hit the targets that showed up on the TV.  World's of Wonder went bankrupt, and the system never caught on, but my parents bought it for us one Christmas, probably on sale as they pretty much fire-saled their entire inventory after the market crash in '87.  I digress.  It was still cool to me and my brother - they got us the system and all four available "games" on VHS.  I remember hooking it up and being enthralled for days, until we moved back to our trusty NES (and Atari 7800). The system became forgotten by the public, and by us... but the memory of that gift and that Christmas has never left the halls of my memories. I just remember being so excited.

And now, I can look back as an adult... and think about how excited my parents probably were to get that and give it to us.  We all want to connect with our children, and make them happy.  My parents knew how much I loved video games - as a kid, I was obsessed with them.  They were pretty much the only thing that made me happy then. I didn't connect to others things that kids liked at that time - I was terrible at sports, I didn't like to go outside much at that time, and I was struggling with school. But video games made me happy. It wasn't just a gift - it was a parents way of saying "I see you."  And, God, I feel that so much now.  With my children, I strive so hard to do the same there.  There is this boundless love inside of us, and it exists outside the normal workings and stresses of life - jobs, careers, bills, etc. It's so huge.  And I learned that from my parents - and I try so hard to pass along and share than love that I was given.  And I think back on these small memories, and I think about how goddamn lucky I was to have my parents.  I was not always the easiest child, but they loved me so.  And, honestly, it's that love that's kept me alive through all of my struggles with my health.  Twenty years; practically my entire adult life.  God, I am so lucky.  Despite all the hurdles thrown at me, and experiences I would not wish on anyone, I am so lucky. And I am so happy that I get to pass on that love to my own children.  I love watching their faces light up when I engage with them.  And the hugs and "I love yous" we share with each other every day are just so precious to me.  I hope someday, when they look back on me, they can see how much this all means.  And how it's a chain that's come down generations - and how fortunate we are, all of us, to be family.