Moving.... yet again!

Well - it's been almost two years since my transplant - and we're moving again!  This time, into our own new home.  Jordan and I are about to become homeowners - and it's really an exciting, nerve-wracking, scary and awesome time!

I'm really excited about it - it feels like the next step into fully stepping back into life, moving on and growing for me.  When we moved out of our old place, into this new apartment - it was a nice, fresh start - away from the place we did dialysis in, on our own... and it was a great place to live, recover, start to gain our footing - but I'm really excited about having our own home.

It has a yard, which is going to be amazing for my dogs.  Honestly, my dogs are a great source of joy for me - I'm lucky to have them.  They just love Jordan and I so much - and now, with a place for them to play whenever they like... I just feel like I'm giving THEM something for all the love and attention they give me!

When I was on dialysis, little Abby used to wait off to the side of the room while I was attached to the machine.  When it was done, and Jordan had removed the needles from my arm and bandaged me up, she would gently jump into my lap, and nuzzle in to fall asleep for a while, while I sat and recovered for a bit after the treatment.  She was the best little dialysis dog, heh.

So, yes - moving all your stuff is a mess... I hate packing, I hate moving, and I hate unpacking.  It's such a stressful and hectic activity - plus, right now, Jordan is back in school two nights a week, so she's gone all day - plus, when she's home, she's studying like crazy.  She's bound and determined to do well in her course, and since it's a summer course, it's very short, very intense and the classes are long.  Throwing this into the mix as we try to move.... heh.

Then there's everything else that comes with moving - changing addresses, changing them with all your credit cards/banks/etc..... plus, I have to change the address for my business, Infamous Quests, as well.... so many things to remember.  I'm already ahead of the curve on a couple - already have power and water turned on, so score one for Steve.

Plus - it's Summer - I really want to do some camping, hiking, campfires, guitar playing as well... I need to get outside and enjoy the world a bit.... though it's been rainy, gray and dreary here for the past couple weeks.  It's kind of a bummer.

Well - I realize this is kind of just an outpouring of exactly what I'm doing and what's on my mind, but it really does help me to lay it all out like this.  I've been really stressed about it, along with everything else in my life that stresses me - my kidney, my weight, my health, my job, etc.... so, if you made it this far - thanks for being a part of my sorting my head out.

So much to do!!! YIKES!


~Steve

Living in the Past isn't just a Jethro Tull Song

It's a funny point, in aging, where you get to the point where you realize everything everyone told you when you were a teenager was actually the truth,  and that someday you really would miss the things you took for granted.  Just being alive is it's own ironic award.  Thank you, kidney transplant donor.  I might have never realized this fully if it weren't for you.

Now, I've gotten to the point where I see people in my circles family and friends, and they have kids who are teens - and I find myself spouting the same things to them.  I guess I realize that I am officially "OLD™" and I can actually look back on the "good old days" and realize that they were pretty good, even if they seemed rough at the time.  Then, at the same glance, I can look at things that were good and realize they weren't so great either!

I've lived long enough to have lost several family members, and have had enough time pass for me to really feel the ache of missing them in my heart.  Decades have passed, and yet I can still recall their faces, their laughs, the cadences in their voices, and the times we shared.  It's very funny to think about the youth I was in those experiences, and how I get sad to think they never got to see me grow up and change. 

You know, escaping death several times in your life generates some profound changes - and sometimes you don't even realize until later.  I've said it before, but I'm definitely struggling with finding my footing again in this world - when you become sick at such a young age, at such a pivotal point in your young adult life, it almost feels like a part of you did die then, and is stuck there.  There's part of me that's forever 24, stuck in a time before dialysis, before all the surgeries, before the close calls, before the handfulls of pills every day.  Yet, here I am, 35 years old, trying to move on - trying to start again, trying to move forward with my life.  It's an interesting duality - making progress while dragging an anchor, I suppose. 

There's so many people who say "you need to drop the past", and that's such an easy statement to make, but it's a harder walk to walk, especially given the circumstances.  There's an earnestness and naivety about the me at 24 before kidney failure that I don't want to lose.  That guy was so.... well, head in the clouds, optimistic, lovelorn and dreaming.  I liked that guy, despite his faults.  He had a good heart.  Losing that... well, that's losing myself.  Because there's a lot of fear and anger in the me post New Years Eve 2002.  I don't like it, but I have to admit it's there.  I've seen things.... things about myself, things about the world, things about mortality, futility, hope, despair.... things I had to put aside quickly to survive.  Yet these things made me who I am today - I can't change that.  This is the path I'm on in this life.

So, yes, to the young, the carefree, the dreamers, the lovers, the love-lorn, the hopeless, the hopeful - I'll give that standard advice: you really should appreciate the moment.  Because, yes, twenty years from now will happen - and you'll look back, and remember the time, and something will shake in your soul.  You'll be older, but you'll still remember the youth you were, and how that person is, and always will be, still inside you.


~Steve