I should have posted this back in October, but my family commitments, dialysis, work committments, life commitments... well, they get in the way.
But, here I am. Back on dialysis for another year.
Boy, this is hard.
This is really hard. I've been doing this since I was 24 years old. I'm 41 now. I've spent my adult life dealing with ESRD. Kidney dialysis. Transplants. Clinic Visits. Hospital Visits. Biopsies. X-Rays. Ultrasounds. EKGs. More tests. Needles. So much blood. Blood transfusions. Hospital Stays. So many bouts of sickness.
I'm tired. I'm tired of this life. I know everyone in my life is tired of this life - my family. My wife. I know people say this as a cliche, but honestly I bet there would be some relief if I died. Sure, there would be the initial sadness - but life goes on, no matter what. Nothing ever ends. I'm just not there. The memory of me would be, and I would try to leave as many mementos of me around to keep me in their hearts - but the burden of all the rest... gone. As hard as this life has been on me, I believe it's harder for those around me. And this year.... well, dialysis has kept me alive. And I hope for another transplant. But I wonder if I have a life to go back to. I'm financially ruined. I'm not sure what kind of employment I'll find. It's been nice to be here for the kids, but every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night I'm at dialysis for five hours. I miss them going to bed. I leave my wife alone with them for the evening after she's worked a full day. It's just not easy for any of us. And I have to vent.
I am sad. I am frustrated. I am just trying to survive. But I am losing hope.
But, here I am. Back on dialysis for another year.
Boy, this is hard.
This is really hard. I've been doing this since I was 24 years old. I'm 41 now. I've spent my adult life dealing with ESRD. Kidney dialysis. Transplants. Clinic Visits. Hospital Visits. Biopsies. X-Rays. Ultrasounds. EKGs. More tests. Needles. So much blood. Blood transfusions. Hospital Stays. So many bouts of sickness.
I'm tired. I'm tired of this life. I know everyone in my life is tired of this life - my family. My wife. I know people say this as a cliche, but honestly I bet there would be some relief if I died. Sure, there would be the initial sadness - but life goes on, no matter what. Nothing ever ends. I'm just not there. The memory of me would be, and I would try to leave as many mementos of me around to keep me in their hearts - but the burden of all the rest... gone. As hard as this life has been on me, I believe it's harder for those around me. And this year.... well, dialysis has kept me alive. And I hope for another transplant. But I wonder if I have a life to go back to. I'm financially ruined. I'm not sure what kind of employment I'll find. It's been nice to be here for the kids, but every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night I'm at dialysis for five hours. I miss them going to bed. I leave my wife alone with them for the evening after she's worked a full day. It's just not easy for any of us. And I have to vent.
I am sad. I am frustrated. I am just trying to survive. But I am losing hope.
I can understand how u feel as I'm going through the same kind of life.. Dialysis life.. ESRD SUCKS.. The pain, suffering, sickly feeling makes us wonder why we are still alive but hey pls don't ever loose Hope.. As long you're alive and u have a meaning to live(your family), keep going.. Just be positive.. There's many out there more worse than our condition.. So Cheer up n move on my fren!
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Hang in there man. Will be praying for you. I got a second transplant a month ago, one year after my first transplant failed after 6 years. There is hope at the end of the tunnel! Dialysis isn't easy but your family will always stand by your side. You're not a burden to them because they love you. It's what you would do for them. Even though it seems endless, take it one day at a time, one step at a time and enjoy life's little things. God bless man :)
ReplyDeleteHey Steve, very sad to hear your story. I have been CKD patient too and recently done transplant. Never sure about future. We have no other choice than staying positive, and using our free time the best way possible. I have also started a blog called myckdstory.com , seeking your approval to post it here
ReplyDeleteHey steve, feel sad to read it, I have been a CKD patient for last 10 years and recently trasplant done.Never sure about future. We have no other choice than staying positive, use your little time fully with family. Dont feel a burden for family. I have also started a blog myckdstory.com , seeking permission to allow it.
ReplyDelete