So, I'm four weeks out from my transplant. I haven't sat in a dialysis chair in four weeks. I feel better - different every day. The fog I lived in is lifting; my brain/mind seems to be gaining some clarity and my mental acuity seems sharper. Dialysis brain is a real thing - it makes it hard to concentrate and focus. I've been living in that fog for two years - and for years before that, I was living and dealing with a failing kidney. I was looking at past labs starting in 2015, and it showed clear decline then - I went back on dialysis in 2018. It's been a rough last five years.
And, I wasn't always at my best, and for certain my life suffered because of it. And I'm dealing with a great amount of sadness and regret at how much I've lost and how I have to live with that now. And now I'm on my way to a new way of life, a new health and eagerness.... and everything that mattered to me, everything I wanted to get better for.... is either gone or irrevocably changed.
This month, the holidays, are tough. I'm dealing with so much inner turmoil, and of course my emotions are amplified by the larger amounts of prednisone they have me on post transplant. The truth is I have a lot to deal with - getting my life back on track. Personally, financially, work-wise... everything. I'm 42 and rebuilding it all again.... but I have to decide what the the hell I even want to build at this point. I have the feeling the next few months are going to be interesting as I discover myself again - maybe try some new things, maybe seek comfort in familiar things... also, I need to take rest when I need it and let my body heal.
I'm just so... I don't know. I can't quite find the words. But I know I am dealing with a deep and intense internal sadness and conflict right now, and wrestling with that is difficult. But I have done this before. Somehow, I'll go on, and maybe be better than I was.
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