Middle of the night. I'm.... not sleeping. Of course. I fell asleep on the couch for a half hour earlier, so for some reason now, I'm awake. And alone. I have the snoring of my beloved Boston Terrier to keep me company, but other than that - it's me. Alone. With all these thoughts in my head. My head feels like it's 6 miles across in times like this. I didn't know I could have this many thoughts.
But here I am. Awake. Forty-Three years old, at 2:30 AM on a Sunday Night in my empty house. My kids will be here in about four hours. I should sleep. But I'm lost in my thoughts. And of course, I'm lost in my loneliness. Truth is, I could be in a room filled with people, and I'd still be lonely. It's always lonely in my head, and honestly, there's where I exist. At least for me. I can see why some people develop soliocism. But I know the world and people exist outside of me. But me... truly me, just me, exists in this ole noggin and I have to live with that. It's a weird mixture of extreme happiness, joy, excitement and passion - and crushing lonlieness, sadness and regret. Both in large waves. Sometimes I think I like to sleep so much just so I don't have to be conscious with my own thoughts. Sure, I'll have weird dreams. But I can kind of ride those out. Here, I have to live with every dripping second of what now feels like - and in full transparency, I do not like how now feels. I am not happy to be alive right now. I am not. I hope I can ride this portion of my life out and find a new, better place inside me somewhere. Because right now, it hurts to exist, and while I am exceedingly good at living with and dealing with pain, I am tired of it and I hope a positive change is coming. I have people depending on me, and I want to be there for them.
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