On writing

 I've been maintaining a blog of some sort for almost 20 years now.  This current one I've had for a long time.  I've always enjoyed writing - putting my thoughts out on a page, and trying to organize them into something that is mildly readable and somewhat enjoyable - all while pertaining to something. A subject which I might have some insight on.  When I was younger, I had the hubris of thinking anything I thought mattered - the older I get, the more it becomes clear to me that I don't know shit about shit, and that I am pretty much qualified to write about nothing! But I do it anyway - this blog has mainly been about me living with End Stage Renal Disease - how dialysis, transplants and the disease dovetail with the human experience.  At the core of it all, I am just an exceedingly typical and average person trying to live a painfully normal and average life.  It does not always work out that way, but that's honestly what I strive for. So that's what I write about.

I often see the amount of projects other writers participate in, and their prodigious output of writing - be it essays, non-fiction, fiction... anything, and I often wonder how people have that much to say.  I just feel like I do not have much to say any more.  Anything that's really worth anything.  I've had a lot of my passion and confidence sucked out of my soul over the past few years, and I am oddly okay with that at this point in time. I've just come to accept that my enthusiasm and interest in living and doing things really meant jack shit in my life. That and a bag of chips just got me an empty wrapper. I don't know if I will ever rediscover that feeling - the need and want to create. I had a big dose of that for most of my life. But it's just gone right now, and honestly, I feel like I'll be dead before it ever comes along again.  Which is okay, really - most people never even feel the spark like I did.  I was happy for a lot of years, and even though success didn't follow in the way I'd hoped - I am successful in that I did a great many things I always wanted to and never thought I would.  I did not make much money along the way, but I did genuinely garner a lot of friendships.  Those are really worth something in the end.  I always just feel like I am a lodestone as a friend - always in need, and always taking.  When I have the opportunity to give, I try to do it as much and as often as I can... I owe so much to so many people. And I'm not just talking monetary means - people have gifted me their time. Their love. Their souls.  I try my best to give it all back when I can, but I know some friends get neglected.  There are people I have lost along the way, and it hurts when I think of them.  I have never forgotten them, but alas, my time and priorities were relegated elsewhere and my relationships suffered. My resources are limited, ever so much more than people might realize.  When I say I'm tired... I'm tired. My tired is probably more exhausted than most normal people could ever comprehend. And I am this way ALL the time. And it gets worse every year.

I just got more labs drawn yesterday, and results.  It does not look good for this kidney.  There was damage to it from the donor, damage that wasn't seen until it was in me. My function is terrible. My GFR is awful. I am severely anemic.  Transplants are not guaranteed to work - and sometimes there are complications beyond your control or fault.  I do not know how long this will last. I do not think it will improve or get better - I'm being optimistic when I say I do not think. Because it will not get better. There's no way this organ regenerates or repairs itself. It's only destined to fall apart.  And this is my third one. I do not think I will be able to get another one.  Though the record is something like 7 transplants.  I just don't think that's in my cards. And I don't know how long I'll survive on dialysis if I have to go back. If it was just me in this, I'd be more okay.  I'm tired. I've been fighting this for 18 years. I've lived a good life. I've done a lot of great things.  If this is my last stand, I'd be okay with it. But I am not alone. I have two little people in my life now who rely on me so much. And I rely on them - I'd be lost without my kids.  So, yeah, I don't wanna go and leave them just yet.  That hurts. The thought of them having to endure my death hurts more than anything I've ever experienced.  I hate that this is most likely something I am going to leave them with. No matter when I pass...  so I try not to think about it too much.  But I just don't know about my future.  I put them on a school bus for the first time ever next week.  I am glad I made it here.  I hope I can go a little further.