The Adventures I Didn't Have

 I think most people can relate to the sentiment in the title of this piece.

The Adventures I Didn't Have.

I mean, most people look back on the things "they didn't do".  It's only natural.  Would have, should have, could have's are integral to the human experience.  I try not to dwell on them too much - I had a lot of potential roads not taken, but I always remind myself I wouldn't be where I am today without the paths I took.

This assessment used to be easier to appreciate and like, because at one time I was very happy and content with where my life was. It's harder for me now, because in 100% honesty, I do not like where my life is now.  Currently - I do not enjoy being alive.  I just don't.  It's a difficult time for me, and it has slowly gotten worse over a five year period.  I had to watch every potential nightmare I ever had come true in real time as I stood by, helpless to do anything, and I had to watch it happen to me.  The things that have happened to me in the last five years - this is the kind of stuff that people wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming/thinking about.  I have endured and survived so many possible nightmares.  But, it has left me in a spot, bereft of much happiness and joy. I am not happy with myself, nor my situation.  I exist, I suppose, but it's a life full of pain, disappointment, exhaustion and dehumanization.  

I am lucky, because I do have a spot of true joy and happiness in my life - my children.  I love them so much.  They have given me purpose in life when everything else seems to abandon me.  And I know it's because of their love for me and my love for them that I will get by.  I can learn to live with the pain and the sickness, just because I'm their Dad. This wasn't how I had hoped my life would go, but I have to look at it as The Adventure I Didn't Pick.  And sometimes the adventures you didn't choose but find yourself on are the most rewarding.  So, yeah, at times, I may see reminders of places and things I didn't do - or things I planned on doing in that proverbial future that I no longer have the chance to - I am hoping that with enough time and love, I can heal somewhat.  I often feel bad, because it's a slow process.  I'm trying to live a life while I'm trying to heal my body and mind, and neither one will ever truly be healed. 

But, if I can say one thing - If you ever put off even that simple little thing, like a trip to somewhere just a half hour from home - don't.  Just do it. The risk always lives.  And all we have in life are moments - wonderful, beautiful little moments.  Sometimes alone, sometimes together.  But if you can, indulge yourself and find that moment.