A Broken Record

 I talk about, like, the same five things all the time. I suppose this is just what happens as you age and you hone in on what you like and/or what you're good at.  I used to want to be a raconteur of varied means and versed on so many topics, but frankly - it gets exhausting after a while.  I'm not trying to impress anyone or prove myself to anyone now - I am what I am. But in my youth, I always felt a need to prove that I was more than I seemed to be.  People often underestimate me just by looking at me, and what once annoyed me is what I like most about myself now.  I think I still have the ability to surprise people, but I don't have to try as hard.

I'm feeling a little extra tired and run-down tonight; I had a big IBS flare up earlier this week, and those just wreck me.  My labwork for my kidney transplant was in the toilet earlier this week, and I'm chalking it up to being sick.  I hope.  Though I will spend the next month in exteme anxiety, wondering if this transplant is going to give up the ghost sooner than I though.  I had a conversation with someone this week about getting the a/v fistula in my arm reversed; they asked what I'd do if I needed to go back on dialysis again.  If I got it reversed, I'd have to get a port in my chest for a temp cath again, and then probably surgery to get another fistula placed somewhere else.  I really don't want my other arm, my left arm.  But if it's between dying and that, I guess I'd have to live with it. Sigh. Always seems like I have a lot of hard decisions and difficult possibilities to contend with.  I handle them all right on my good days, but when I'm not feeling my best and I'm mentally weaker than normal - I feel kinda downright awful.  Hopefully I bounce back soon.

I just wanna express the ever present wish of my heart, one that I'm sure others with ESRD share, I just wish there was a cure for this disease. One day, a treatment that could regrow the nephrons of my kidneys and I could have normal, healthy, fully functional kidneys again. I wouldn't have to take massive doses of drugs to keep me alive - ones that prevent the kidney from being rejected by my body's immune system, but produce some really awful side effects.  One day, I wish I could just wake up, free as a gazelle leaping through the tall grass, breathe in fresh air, and function again under my own auspices.  But that will never happen in my lifetime.  I'm going to die from this, and my life will never be as it once was long ago.  I have to accept that.  I also have to remind myself that in spite of my struggles, I have lived a pretty extraordinary life, and that I know I will have left a mark on this world in my time in it.  Some people never get the moments I've had, even with all their working organs.  I just wish it wasn't so damn hard sometimes.