The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Heading for the Frosty Hills....

Winter is approaching here in Syracuse.  We're known for our snowy and icy winters.  When I was younger, it didn't bother me much, but now I just don't get along with the cold.  Well, I didn't on dialysis at all - I'll see how I do this year, but so far any encounters I have with the cold air still suck pretty hard.

Winter time is such a dormant time, a lot of time for reflection.  Truth is, I'm four months out from my transplant - which was amazing.  All the outpouring of support from friends and family was amazing - I'm still reeling from it.  But now, I'm a few months out - and things, on paper, are working great.  My labs are amazing, I feel good, physically (aside from a few lingering GI problems).... yet, still, there's a pretty gaping hole inside me now.

I guess, well, when you've been sick for so long, you kind of settle into a life of just trying to get by.  Now, I sort of feel like I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I've been fighting for so long, and now - the hard part of the fight has been lifted.  I'll always be fighting in some way, but the large burden is off my back.

My life, as I knew it, ended when I was 24.  I'm almost 34.  It's been 10 years of living like this, and - well - I kind of don't know where to go on the other side here.  Part of me feels like I've been in a coma for 10 years, and I've just woken up and I don't have the slightest ideas where to go or what to do.  I can't (and don't want to) go back to the life I was living before;  I'm too old for that shit, and frankly I wasn't headed down any great path there.  But where do I move forward to?  Sometimes the most frightening thing about being alive is having a great wide open path in front of you. 

Finding your way down it is the human experience, and of course, I know I will.  But, I guess, I do feel some apprehension, I do feel some depression, and I do feel a little lost and kind of useless.  I'm sure everyone feels like this, especially at crossroads in their lives.  I've got a lot to do now, and the worst part is just working through the months of slogging it out to get where you want.  Doing it in the winter, when I get seasonally depressed, is going to be hard.

I just wonder what life has in store for me.  Better yet, I wonder what I have in store for life.  I guess I still hold that dream that I want to do great things, but for now - I guess I'll settle for doing something - anything.


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