The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Life, Loss, Family, Friends... living.

This one, well, it's not just about me - it's also about some friends of mine. You know, the kind of friends that became your family because you knew them so well. Just shy of three years ago, their son died in a tragic accident - and, well, it sent a firestorm of grief and pain through my entire network of family and friends.

Life, sadly, is full of tragedies and the older I get, the more seem to occur and will occur - but they never get any easier.  I've lost many people in my life, so far - from young to old.  I really miss them so much, and seeing how people live on without them can really be hard sometimes.

I mean, how do you go on when you lose someone so important to your life? What, really, do we have in this life other than each other? Sometimes I think the loss of someone else is worse than losing your own spin on the mortal coil.  To live, bereft.  Christ, the thought just stops the heart beating in my chest.

But I see people do it - we go on.  We endure... we hold the memory dear, but we push forward.

Dammit, it's so hard, though.  I just want to hug everyone so hard sometimes and tell them it's going to be all right - and mean it. I have that stupid wish, that want, that need inside to make it all right for everyone. And even if I can't, which I know I can not, I want to give that hug of love - to let them know they we're still here, and I still love them more than words can say.

I think a lot about my friends and family, and people they've lost, and I can't help but be absolutely heartbroken by it.  But then I also think to myself that it was my honor and privilege, in my short time on this Earth, that I knew - and loved - people such as that. And I can count that on my death bed, someday, not the pieces of paper I accrued.

You know, it's us who often seem the most bitter, the most angry and the most cynical who want to hug everyone the most.  It's because we believe in people; we believe in them being the best they can be. The world, and people at large, however, are going to wear you down sometimes.  So, yeah, I can rant about a lot of things - seem empassioned, bitter... even angry.  But you know, if I love you - I love you with every luminous fiber a living being can muster. 

I think about the little boy we all lost, and the son that they lost - and my heart just turns right to a broken stone.  But, again, it warms back up when I know I still have them, and the memory of that amazing kid.

God damn life hurts so much sometimes.



  1. I've finally finished your entire blog. You must live close to us - we were listed at the same center, and know Ellen, and the surgeon, and the rest of the team. I suspect we even did dialysis at the same center (altho we did dialysis by PD from home from the beginning). The day you got your kidney we were making decisions about PD tube placement and doing our best to keep our then 11 yo daughter out of the hospital. We did dialysis for only 166 days ( and I cannot, cannot cannot imagine surviving for 4 years like that. Babygirl's transplant is doing well at 18 months out, and we pray it continues to do well.
    Prayers for you also. It's a long, hard road, and you seem to walk it well.


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