One Year

One year ago today, my wife came home from work early and said,”I can’t do this anymore.” and took the kids, left our home and went to live with her parents. I do not think I have experienced more profound loss nor greater pain in my life before or since. And I’ve had three kidney transplants and many various surgeries that would kill some people.

But the pain in my heart, soul and mind are unrecoverable. I put my all into us and what we had. I was always scared to love, to trust - because I knew it would inevitably end the way it did. I am irreversibly broken and though I will never be complete again, I continue on. For my kids - they love me so, and I them. Honestly, as cliche as it sounds, they’re the only reason I’m here. They really seem to adore me and I hate to put any sadness into their life by not being here.

And I miraculously got another kidney transplant after not faring well on dialysis- yet it felt so hollow. All I wanted was a transplant so I could do better for my family - and for my wife. I never met another human being I adored as much as I did her, and to watch her disconnect from me and leave me was much like watching my kidney slowly fail over years and leave me. Heartbroken feels like to easy a word to describe how I feel. Language is all about communication but I don’t think even after a year I have written enough words to express my sorrow. I can’t even find the right music to express it. I play every day but nothing quite captures it fir me. I’ve written many songs but they are not quite there, for me. Hopefully they connect with others and bring some solace to them someday when I record them.

But another year - they say it gets easier. It doesn’t. You just get more adept at dealing with it and existing through the pain in your life. But deep in the night when I cannot sleep, it finds me and reminds me of the depths of my unhappiness. I do not see a good or happy future for me for the rest of my days. Which I am sure are much more limited than others. If I could survive 15 more years, for Jack and Josephine to grow into young adults, I will be happy.

I put all my love and faith into one basket that was irrevocably destroyed. Such is the risk you take with love. And in spite of the end, like a fool, I would not change a thing. What I had for those years was worth the fall. I’d do it again and again, like a fool, for the risk always lives. To live... would be an awfully big adventure.