The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Sometimes I feel....

Yeah. 

Sometimes I feel like my kidney failure robbed me of 10 years of my youth.

And, you know what - that pisses me off.

I feel like I've languished for 10 years..... 10 years.  10 years of the prime of my life..... I spent only being able to give life a middling effort because I was simply struggling to exist.

Then again, sometimes I look at that time and I think "Damn.  I did a lot with 10 middling years.  I did more than some people will ever do."

And that's true.  I did a lot of things, and I lived life the best I could.

But I can't help but feel robbed a little - and now? Now, I feel like I'm dumped out on my ass - thrown back into a real world that I haven't really been a part of for a decade.  I have to pick myself up by my boot straps, lick a few wounds, and start it-the-hell all over again. 

Getting the transplant was a gift; the miracle will be putting my ass back into this world, and doing something of value with myself.  I have to be honest, I'm not quite sure what the hell I am going to do with myself - I'm in my mid-thirties now, and I feel like I have no direction.  Where am I going to go?  I sure as hell don't have the naivety and uber-strength of youth to throw myself into some crazy, ladder climbing career and try to build myself from the ground up.   I've got a family to support now, so I'm not going to go chasing the dragon of some kind of artistic career.  I'm going back to school in the spring to finish up the degree I left behind almost 10 years ago, but what the hell am I going to do with a bachelor's degree? 

Yeah.  I'm human, I'm a bit uncertain, and I'm certainly a little scared.  I guess I'm just more mad.  You know, I get this new kidney, and I start to regain my health - but now I'm like "well, self, what do we do NOW?"  I guess on dialysis, you're just so worried about staying alive, you don't think about the after.  Well, maybe others did - maybe they had some kind of stable life before they got sick.  I didn't.  I got sick right when I was just starting to figure things out in my twenties.  Now, I'm on the other-side and feeling as whiny as some emo assbot in college. 

This is silly.  I'm sure everyone, even those I think have it together, have these "what the hell am I doing???" moments. 

Guess I just needed to vent - to write it down.  Sometimes, for me, putting the "words to the paper" helps it become real, so then I can just move beyond all that.  I know I'll find something.  I'll find me.  And I'll do right for my family.  But, everyone doubts and wonders sometimes.  Thanks for listening to me vent.

~Steve

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