The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Just another night

 Fuck, cause it's 2:13 AM and I haven't slept yet. Not for lack of laying in my bed, I was in there for many hours. I even took a Xanax to try and quiet my mind.

It's awake tonight.  I'm awake tonight. And I am not happy.

It's a simple sentence - I am not happy.  For words.  But if you try to peel back the onion that contains the layers of reasons why...there's a lot. I'm not going to expound on them here. Because they don't fucking matter. None of it matters.  It really doesn't. I could write a novel, I'm sure, and unwrap it all. But who cares. I mean, really, who fucking cares? I get a million people that say they do. I appreciate it. Sure. But at the end of the day, I'm still trapped in here with me, and I'm alone, and frankly... I don't want anyone here with me anymore right now.  There isn't a single person on this Earth who can solve my problems. Not a single one. Not even ME. I can't. The best I can do is learn to keep living with the pain, and whatever burdens I'm metaphorically carrying. Live with it. Until I die. That's it. Carry my emotional Sisyphus stone up the hill to that end, and that's it.  Somedays I can push it back, to where I barely notice it. Other times, I'm carrying on my shoulders, full weight, for all to see. It's never leaving. But I am real sick of it. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe that day will find my subconscious blissfully pushing the weight back, and carrying it handily and unobtrusively, so I won't notice. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope so. Right now, I'm just grinding metal onto metal and what the fuck for? Don't worry, I know what for. But even they... I want the best for my children.  I'm going to push myself as hard as I can to do the best I can for them... but I don't give a fuck about anything else. I just don't. What's the point?