The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Monday, November 25, 2019

A year on dialysis. Again.

I should have posted this back in October, but my family commitments, dialysis, work committments, life commitments... well, they get in the way.

But, here I am.  Back on dialysis for another year.

Boy, this is hard.

This is really hard.  I've been doing this since I was 24 years old.  I'm 41 now.  I've spent my adult life dealing with ESRD.  Kidney dialysis.  Transplants.  Clinic Visits. Hospital Visits. Biopsies. X-Rays. Ultrasounds.  EKGs.  More tests.  Needles.  So much blood. Blood transfusions. Hospital Stays.  So many bouts of sickness.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of this life.  I know everyone in my life is tired of this life - my family.  My wife.  I know people say this as a cliche, but honestly I bet there would be some relief if I died.  Sure, there would be the initial sadness - but life goes on, no matter what.  Nothing ever ends.  I'm just not there.  The memory of me would be, and I would try to leave as many mementos of me around to keep me in their hearts - but the burden of all the rest... gone.  As hard as this life has been on me, I believe it's harder for those around me.  And this year.... well, dialysis has kept me alive. And I hope for another transplant.  But I wonder if I have a life to go back to.  I'm financially ruined. I'm not sure what kind of employment I'll find.  It's been nice to be here for the kids, but every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night I'm at dialysis for five hours.  I miss them going to bed.  I leave my wife alone with them for the evening after she's worked a full day.  It's just not easy for any of us.  And I have to vent.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I am just trying to survive.  But I am losing hope.