I've had my kidney transplant for over a year now.
Whew. It's kind of hard to process; I've been thinking a lot about what my life was like in the four plus years I was on dialysis this last time. It's so hard to catalogue everything. I feel almost like I did nothing; like I was in stasis, but the truth is far from that. Jordan and I did a lot together in that time - we tried to live our lives to the fullest, despite my own limitations.
It's just hard to look at, when you're a dreamer and a "go-getter" like me. I know what I'm capabable of in my own mind - in my head, I'm freaking Superman that can do a million things at once. In real life, I'm a dude who's had some serious health problems that have slowed me down over the years.
So, I had the miracle of a transplant - yet, here I am, still a year later - shakily still finding my feet. You know, a miracle doesn't cure things immediately. It relieves many things, but the problem is when your health improves, life intrudes! All of the things you didn't have time to worry about come piling on. Life happens. Still trying to navigate that, for sure.
I guess, tonight, as I write this - I'm feeling really depressed for some reason. I don't really know why; I'm sure we all feel a little lost and adrift at times. It's funny, because I know tomorrow I'll probably wake up with some new sense of purpose, and continue attacking life with zeal. For right now, though - I'm contemplative.
Life is so hard sometimes - for everyone. I worry about folks still on dialysis. I worry about folks with transplants - knowing it's not a forever cure, but a treatment we have to maintain with our drug regimens. I worry about people taking the time to still help and care for those who are ill, infirm and in need of help. I don't want to forget where I came from. But sometimes, moving on means forgetting some things.
Well, it's a year later - the transplant is still working, I'm militant about taking my pills, and I'm trying to be active. I'll tell you - I just spent a week traveling on the road with Jordan and our two Boston Terriers. Couldn't have done that on dialysis - and it was a pretty amazing feeling. Heh, yet - just like normal people who travel, the driving got monotonous, and the back seat of the car became a quagmire of smells and water bottles.... heh.
To anyone out there still reading this who is on dialysis - hold on. You know, I love you. I do. I love you guys. I love that you hold on. I love that you endure. I love that you may still have hope. And if you're losing it, don't. Really, it's the one thing that you have that it can't take from you unless you let it.
I'm just trying to get along in this world. For now, that's all I need.
Sorry I haven't been writing as much in this as I used to. Maybe I'm still recovering from the transplant and dialysis in other ways.