The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Thursday, October 29, 2020

Such a small organ, such big problems.

 Physically, the kidney is kind of small.  It's just one of the miracles of the human body that this little organ is packed with millions of cells that work in tandem with the rest of the systems of our body to achieve homeostasis.  Most people regard having to urinate as an annoyance to their day; a stupid bodily function that disrupts their day.  But it's really a miracle of system efficiency.  It's part of a system that filters the blood, gets rid of wastes and removes excess fluid so your body can function.

When you don't  have kidneys, everything is out of wack and it makes living difficult.  I'm amazed that science came up with dialyzing blood - but even that is only efficient enough to keep people alive; it has to try to do a semblence of what a kidney does 24hrs a day in 4 hours.  It can't come close, but it keeps us alive.

I just hate to know my existence is ruled by the lack of functioning kidneys - those tiny organs. But it's been this way for 17 years. Almost 18 now.  But I hate it, and ultimately it has ruined my life.  I can't say I don't think there are times when I wonder if it would have been better to die in 2002. I've suffered a lot of pain in my life over the last 17 years, both physically and emotionally.  There have been good moments. Great moments. But right now, my life is so crappy I wonder if they've been worth it.  The pain lasts, and the good never stays.

Saturday, October 17, 2020

Instagramming it

 I noticed that my instagram account is a lot of selfies.  It happens, I guess, when your life becomes a lot more about you - my pics, if they're not selfies of me in dialysis or in my life... they're of my kids.  Right now, this is a pretty good way to look at my life - for me, it's all about me, how I'm feeling or my kids and what they're doing.  I know there will be a time when my pics are more varied, but I don't know if I've gotten there yet.

Saturday, October 10, 2020

Finding my place... again.

 I'm trying to find my place in the world again.  For 14 years, I knew where my place was and I was quite happy with that.  I tried to achieve some goals and some personal dreams, but I knew my place.  I had a home, I had a heart no matter where or what I was.

But that's changed, and I'm twisting out in the wind again, an adventurer without a home trying to find his place in the world. It's a scary time to be doing that.  It's even more scary when you're on dialysis and you'd like another transplant.

Even thinking of the future - getting a transplant. I'm doing it alone again.  The surgery, the hospital stay, the recovery... all alone.  Last time, it was easier - I had a confident, smart and capable partner that kept me on track, and helped me when it was tough.  I can do it alone, I'm sure - but I'm not looking forward to the struggle.

I guess because I've been struggling for 17 years.  I'm tired. Part of me is near the end of my rope.  Part of me wants to give up, and not go on.  But I can't. I've got responsibilities.  My kids needs me - and they WANT me around, which I absolutely love.  My kids really love and adore me and I want to be the best Dad I can be to them.  I want to get better, I want to get my career back on track and I want to provide the best life I can for them.

Their mother and I are getting along in our co-parenting; which I'm happy about.  Who knows what the future brings for us all, but right now it's okay.  I miss her as a constant in our lives, but honestly the girl I married is not the woman who is here today - she's, as they say, on her own path now and it's divergent from mine.  At least we both still immensely care about the kids.  I think we're working our way to having the friendship that was so amazing during our relationship and I hope as years go by we can build that.  Our kids are special, and their Mom and Dad love them very much.

It's a dark time. I could use some light.  I could use a win.  I really could. But I'm holding on.