I'm trying to find my place in the world again. For 14 years, I knew where my place was and I was quite happy with that. I tried to achieve some goals and some personal dreams, but I knew my place. I had a home, I had a heart no matter where or what I was.
But that's changed, and I'm twisting out in the wind again, an adventurer without a home trying to find his place in the world. It's a scary time to be doing that. It's even more scary when you're on dialysis and you'd like another transplant.
Even thinking of the future - getting a transplant. I'm doing it alone again. The surgery, the hospital stay, the recovery... all alone. Last time, it was easier - I had a confident, smart and capable partner that kept me on track, and helped me when it was tough. I can do it alone, I'm sure - but I'm not looking forward to the struggle.
I guess because I've been struggling for 17 years. I'm tired. Part of me is near the end of my rope. Part of me wants to give up, and not go on. But I can't. I've got responsibilities. My kids needs me - and they WANT me around, which I absolutely love. My kids really love and adore me and I want to be the best Dad I can be to them. I want to get better, I want to get my career back on track and I want to provide the best life I can for them.
Their mother and I are getting along in our co-parenting; which I'm happy about. Who knows what the future brings for us all, but right now it's okay. I miss her as a constant in our lives, but honestly the girl I married is not the woman who is here today - she's, as they say, on her own path now and it's divergent from mine. At least we both still immensely care about the kids. I think we're working our way to having the friendship that was so amazing during our relationship and I hope as years go by we can build that. Our kids are special, and their Mom and Dad love them very much.
It's a dark time. I could use some light. I could use a win. I really could. But I'm holding on.
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