Middle of the Night thoughts

 

I fell asleep watching a movie earlier tonight, and woke up with a start not too long ago. I was dreaming that my Transplant still worked & life was relatively normal. I don’t know if I have properly expressed how devastating it is to watch an organ transplant slowly degenerate. I think because you just have to keep pushing on in life, because I have so many other obligations, I may not really have given time & space to process & mourn the loss. It’s the death of hope and any sense of normalcy… and I’m incredibly sad about it on top of everything else.

Thankful

 Recently, I read a post on social media, detailing the people we have lost from my class, and other classes near mine.  I was just glad I wasn't on that list yet - we've lost a lot of great people I went to school with... it's a sad fact of life that this happens more as we age, but I'm still sad at the losses.  Good people, good families... life is tough.  But I am glad for every day I have above ground - even the hard ones.  And there's a lot more hard days lately... but I'm still glad for them.  Each day is another opportunity to maybe do better, and each day is definitely another opportunity for me to spend time with my kids.  Anyway, just want to say thanks again to everyone who makes my time here worth living.

Dialysis Life

 Dialysis life is rough life.  Hemodialysis isn't easy... and it's definitely weird to think that I can compare doing it in my 20s to doing it in my 40s.  It was definitely hard both times, but man, it was easier in my 20s.  It takes a lot out of me now.  And yet, I have more responsibilities now... it's difficult to juggle them sometimes.  I am really lucky, because I have a great support system on this now.  My parents help me a lot, and I'm grateful for it - but it also leaves me with a big sense of sadness, because I wish I was the one giving them the assistance.  Or giving them gifts, at least,  One part of being chronically ill that is so hard is knowing that you are a burden on the ones you love.  As a parent, I understand the need and want you have for your children, and because I was lucky enough to be born into an amazing family, they give so freely of themselves. But as an adult, I don't like to be a lodestone on anyone's life... but there's just so much I can't do on my own.

I'm hoping that I can make this time in my life temporary... and maybe I will get another transplant, and this one holds and I can start a better life for myself.  But that idea is way more daunting at 45 than it was at 25. After I got through the whole difficult process of getting a new kidney, having surgery, recovering and moving on... I basically have to start all over again.  It's hard to look at.  But I still have hope.

So, throwing this out into the digital void, thank you to all friends and family who help carry me in these times.  It's not so much for my sake, but for my children.  You help me provide them with as "normal" a life as I can, and that... I am forever grateful for and surely unable to truly pay back.  But I will try.