The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Tuesday, April 27, 2021

I Don't Know How Some People Do It

 I really don't know how some people just... talk, all the time, to others.  About nothing.  Like, I see people texting - constantly.  And I often wonder what kind of bullshit they're sending to each other. I just don't text that much or often, and find it kind of useless other than sending pertinent information.

But people use it to communicate these days - to live, work, flirt... it's weird.  And I've always been a tech guy and I've been internet chatting since my modem days in the late 80s. But... I don't know. Maybe I'm just old and have run out of things to say.  Or that I'm just not as into bullshitting small talk as I was when I was younger.

I've been through too much shit to do that dance. Finding myself unexpectedly single now at 43... and seeing a lot of my peers experiencing the same thing, I am noticing this odd regressive trend where these people are acting like they did when they were in their 20s.  And it's lame.  If this is how the world at large is working right now, I'd rather be single than have to mess with things like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Snapchat, etc. The inane amounts of texting along nauseate me. People nauseate me lately. I don't have much patience or love for some things these days, and that upsets me. I think when dealing with a swirl of emotions, you'll always have periods of different prominent feelings - and right now, anger is very easy with me.  Not on a small, interpersonal level - the people in my life day-to-day are wonderful.  But my anger at a larger sense of life... well, it looms large on me right now.  I'm trying to channel that into positive energies for me - I've been working out more, to strengthen my body again and channel the energy produced by my anger into something that works for me. I have to remember to breathe, and feel my thoughts in the breathe.  And try not to worry so much about others and worry about myself.  But it is remarkably hard when I have to live in this society now, and things happen in my life beyond my wishes or choices.

Basically, I'm sick of your shit. So, I'm going to recover, I'm going to come back stronger in life, and I will do better for myself than I did before.

Sunday, April 11, 2021

This is the time to remember

 Once upon a time, when I was young and much more carefree than now, I stole off to the north with a girl I was seeing.  In the middle of the night, we drove up to an old shack she knew on Lake Ontario - it was right on a sandy beach, and a perfect spot.  It was a warm night, and the wind blew melodiously through the tall grass that surrounded the other cottages and shacks on that dark little side rode we turned down.  We found the cabin, parked, and ventured up to it, and then beyond - to the beach, and the lake.

I don't know if you've ever been to one of the Great Lakes, but their nomer is not undeserved. It's almost like being at the ocean. A million stars shone down on us on that clear night, and the moon hung in the sky, silver and perfect. And I loved this girl so much, I didn't know what to do with it. I'd never quite felt that way before in my life, and in a time so perfect, I was just happy to be alive.  We gathered up some dried driftwood and assembled it in a pile on the beach, just beyond the reach of the waves that lapped up gently onto the soft sand. I had a funny habit of saving all of my recipiets from purchases in my wallet; it looked like an overstuffed sausage, just full of tiny little papers.  But I took those pieces out and I used them as kindling to start the fire.  They caught quickly, and caught the dry driftwood easily.  In a little shallow pit dug on the beach, we had a fire, we sat together, under the moon, and enjoyed each others company.  It was long ago, but I can still see the stars reflected in her eyes, and the way the light from the fire danced on her face.  I'm so glad for that moment. Not everyone gets to experience moments like this - beautiful, perfect, lovely, romantic. Almost like a storybook.  But there I was, in love and loved back and it was all so simple. We stayed on the beach for a few hours before we put out the fire, climbed back into the car, turned on the radio and sang along with every song as we drove home.

I couldn't buy that moment. Even if I tried; I was too poor and too young then.  But I know I still couldn't buy it again now. Nor ever experience anything quite like that again.  Some moments are just meant to happen and only live in your mind forever. Cause the world changes, circumstances change, life changes, you change... but in all those changes, nothing can take that away from me.  It's mine forever, and I was just lucky enough to be there for that moment.

Thursday, April 8, 2021

Enjoy the Moment

 A few years back, I used to often drive past an old wooden power-line pole - at the top, an Osprey had built a fantastically large nest.  It really was a sight to behold.  I'd drive past, and sometimes I'd get a glimpse of the magnificent bird that lived inside.  It was obviously built to house the eggs that the female would lay, and watching the Ospreys guard and nurture what was inside was quite a thing to behold.  At the end of the day, with the sun setting behind it, I'd ponder the nature of their life together - and just how magnificent it was in that moment.  Hunting, fishing, protecting the young.  All in a large, intricately gathered nest, built by their own work and ingenuity.  I loved driving by that nest.  The summer ended, and fall came - the nest was still perched up there.  Winter came, and I didn't drive by that spot.  And when spring came, and we ventured out again - the nest, in all it's splendid glory, was gone.  Winter had knocked it down, and the Osprey and offspring had long since moved on.

At the time, I mused on how sad it was - but lately I've been amending my thoughts on it.  Sometimes something is amazing - beautiful to behold and wonderful to live in for a while.  But it has its season, and things are abandoned and destroyed but life moves on. And that's just the way it is sometimes.  We as humans have a tendency to grab on to things, and do our best to try and make them last forever - or at least as long as we can.  Some things last longer than others - but, as I'm often reminded by the eminently quotable Robert Frost, "nothing gold can stay."  My own life has had its moments of shining brilliance - and some have ended.  But I remain, and I can go forth and try to find new moments in the future - and it's okay if they never match the splendor I once had.  For at least I had them once, and it was precious and it was good.