The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Three Months On

 So, I've been riding solo for three months.

I'm going to be honest - it's been straight up hell.  I don't think I've ever suffered a loss this large and profound, and moving on has been very difficult.

I loved my wife very much; for years, she was my best friend.  I shared everything with her - when I heard a joke, I used to get excited to get a chance to tell her. A smile or a laugh from her was more valuable than anything.

So when you lose these things... let me tell you, all the riches in the world aren't worth the feelings I had when we were together and happy.  Life is more than a collection of great moments, and reality and responsibility often come crashing down on you. And people change. Things change.

I'm still finding my place in this world, alone, and with this tremendous sense of loss. It inspires sadness and anger in me, and dealing with those is a complex issue. 

I can tell you, unequivocally, I have never been more sad in my life.  I am sad to the point where I wonder if I can carry on.  I know I will - I have to. We have two wonderful kids who love me and need me... and I need them.  But I am profoundly sad, and I do often wonder if I will ever feel the kind of happiness in my heart I once felt.

I know a lot of people go through this. I know a lot of people hurt.

It's rough.

And I'm still on dialysis. I still need a kidney.  I have never been this defeated.

but I will rise again.

Phoenix from the ashes.

Kidney Boy rides on... let's hope I get a kidney again. I get healthy. I get happy, and I remain a good father to the kids I love so dear. And I hope I find peace in being without my beloved.