It’s the middle of the night and it’s a warm night, not a hot one, but still, I have not yet fallen asleep and it’s almost 2 in the morning. It’s this time of night my mind seems to run wild - Sometimes it feels as if my mind is free at this time. Free from the restraints that my failing body keeps it caged during the day. In my youth, I always used to think of this time as my most creative. I did a lot of my creating at this time - be it writing stories or essays or composing music, This time of night has always seemed to feed into the river of creativity.
I’m not really feeling creative right now and I haven’t been feeling creative for a long time. I haven’t written anything that I have been in love with in a long time. It has become difficult and almost impossible to play guitar very much; The neuropathy in my left hand has rendered it almost completely useless. I played a little guitar up at camp this last weekend and I got to a point where I could barely form an E major chord. Betrayed by my own body. I’m thinking that it has to do with some pinched nerves in my neck and spine from all the spine issues I have. I’m still holding out hope that I can get that taken care of and that maybe I can at least get that part of my life back. Sometimes I feel like I’m whittling down to nothing. Like maybe I am going in to my back nine of life. Maybe this is my ramp out. And I get to slowly lose everything that I used to love about life. It’s not a comforting thought, and I can’t succumb to that. I have to think that if I fight, And I work towards it I can regain some of these things. But the fight has gotten so much harder, and it is hard not to become overwhelmed by a sense of despair. But I’m trying real hard not to. At least I had the good sense to type this out right now - I feel like this is one of the first big spots of writing I have done in a while.
My body seems to fail more and more every day. I’m tired. I’m hurting all the time. And I don’t like to admit it, but I’m very lonely. I’m so lucky I have my children in my life because I don’t know if my heart would be in it if they weren’t around. They are a very big beacon of light and they are definitely what keeps me going. I know people say this kind of thing all the time, and in my case, it’s absolutely true. They are what keeps the blood pumping through my heart. I hope I can find some joy in life again outside of that too, though because that’s important. I would like to be a well-rounded human being And I have to remember to keep trying to do things that I love and things that make me feel alive.
