The Adventures of Kidney Boy

A Journal About Living With End Stage Renal Disease. Dialysis. Transplants. Love. Family. Friends. The Unsung Donor. This is my life, from the end of a needle to the bottom of a pill bottle.

Sunday, April 17, 2022

I'm All Right (most of the time)

 I think I'm all right, most of the time.  But then I have moments where I actually let myself think about things - and I have to face to the fact that I've been seriously hurt in some unimaginable ways in my life - physically and mentally.  You do what you can to survive as a human - you cope, you put things that have priotity to the front, and in dealing with those it can shield you from the trauma of what you've dealt with.  I do okay with that.  I do have moments, though, where I let that floodgate open a bit, and goddamn, it hurts.  I think of some pretty amazingly hurtful things - things that ripped my soul apart, things that irrevocably changed me mentally, things that catastrophically altered my body... it's a lot.  I'm sure a lot of us have those moments.  We're okay until something triggers it a bit.  I'm glad for those moments when I am alone and this happens - I'd just rather deal with it myself.  I had a bit of that earlier tonight - I was reminded of something that really crushed me and changed me, and I got pretty sad about it.  But as I faced it, let it wash over me, I thought about how it was another thing I survived and how I've kept going.

But, let's be honest, some of us are real sick of surviving shit that would just kill or end some others.  It gets tiring carrying that burden.

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