Winter is approaching here in Syracuse. We're known for our snowy and icy winters. When I was younger, it didn't bother me much, but now I just don't get along with the cold. Well, I didn't on dialysis at all - I'll see how I do this year, but so far any encounters I have with the cold air still suck pretty hard.
Winter time is such a dormant time, a lot of time for reflection. Truth is, I'm four months out from my transplant - which was amazing. All the outpouring of support from friends and family was amazing - I'm still reeling from it. But now, I'm a few months out - and things, on paper, are working great. My labs are amazing, I feel good, physically (aside from a few lingering GI problems).... yet, still, there's a pretty gaping hole inside me now.
I guess, well, when you've been sick for so long, you kind of settle into a life of just trying to get by. Now, I sort of feel like I don't quite know what to do with myself. I've been fighting for so long, and now - the hard part of the fight has been lifted. I'll always be fighting in some way, but the large burden is off my back.
My life, as I knew it, ended when I was 24. I'm almost 34. It's been 10 years of living like this, and - well - I kind of don't know where to go on the other side here. Part of me feels like I've been in a coma for 10 years, and I've just woken up and I don't have the slightest ideas where to go or what to do. I can't (and don't want to) go back to the life I was living before; I'm too old for that shit, and frankly I wasn't headed down any great path there. But where do I move forward to? Sometimes the most frightening thing about being alive is having a great wide open path in front of you.
Finding your way down it is the human experience, and of course, I know I will. But, I guess, I do feel some apprehension, I do feel some depression, and I do feel a little lost and kind of useless. I'm sure everyone feels like this, especially at crossroads in their lives. I've got a lot to do now, and the worst part is just working through the months of slogging it out to get where you want. Doing it in the winter, when I get seasonally depressed, is going to be hard.
I just wonder what life has in store for me. Better yet, I wonder what I have in store for life. I guess I still hold that dream that I want to do great things, but for now - I guess I'll settle for doing something - anything.
~Steve
Winter time is such a dormant time, a lot of time for reflection. Truth is, I'm four months out from my transplant - which was amazing. All the outpouring of support from friends and family was amazing - I'm still reeling from it. But now, I'm a few months out - and things, on paper, are working great. My labs are amazing, I feel good, physically (aside from a few lingering GI problems).... yet, still, there's a pretty gaping hole inside me now.
I guess, well, when you've been sick for so long, you kind of settle into a life of just trying to get by. Now, I sort of feel like I don't quite know what to do with myself. I've been fighting for so long, and now - the hard part of the fight has been lifted. I'll always be fighting in some way, but the large burden is off my back.
My life, as I knew it, ended when I was 24. I'm almost 34. It's been 10 years of living like this, and - well - I kind of don't know where to go on the other side here. Part of me feels like I've been in a coma for 10 years, and I've just woken up and I don't have the slightest ideas where to go or what to do. I can't (and don't want to) go back to the life I was living before; I'm too old for that shit, and frankly I wasn't headed down any great path there. But where do I move forward to? Sometimes the most frightening thing about being alive is having a great wide open path in front of you.
Finding your way down it is the human experience, and of course, I know I will. But, I guess, I do feel some apprehension, I do feel some depression, and I do feel a little lost and kind of useless. I'm sure everyone feels like this, especially at crossroads in their lives. I've got a lot to do now, and the worst part is just working through the months of slogging it out to get where you want. Doing it in the winter, when I get seasonally depressed, is going to be hard.
I just wonder what life has in store for me. Better yet, I wonder what I have in store for life. I guess I still hold that dream that I want to do great things, but for now - I guess I'll settle for doing something - anything.
~Steve
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